the truth about forever

I just finished an amazing book by Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever. It's funny: when we first got it in at the store, I immediately dismissed it. It gave me a foreboding, pit-of-your-stomach feeling, because from the cover and the title I could tell that it dealt with a subject that, at the time, I was putting a heck of a lot of subconscious energy into avoiding. In a word: romantic relationships. More specifically: the permanence (or lack thereof) of romantic relationships. Every time I saw the cover I felt drawn to it, and at the same time, incredibly repulsed by the shallowness and teeniebopperishness of it all. I think there was also some terror involved - terror that if I read it, I might have to come to terms with a truth that I’d been repressing and denying for some time, but that I knew was true in that deep place that’s beyond smiles and reasonable explanations. Most people call it your gut.

Now, one-and-a-half years later, I am surprised by how right I was. Not about the subject matter of the book – I was actually way off in my suppositions about that – but about how completely and congruently it applied to my life. It actually wasn’t about boys or romance: it was about truth. Transparency. Being true to the person God made you to be. Being upfront with people about what is going on in your life. Not hiding behind the “fine” mask (as in, “how are you?” “fine.”). Taking the risk of letting someone see who you really are, and banking everything on the chance that they will accept you anyway.

I had one such revelatory moment during Sunday School a week back. We were talking about consciences and knowing how God directs us, and all of a sudden I knew that I had a story to tell. Oh no, you don’t, that voice said. You tell that story and you’re done for. Who on earth will take you seriously after that?. But I took a deep breath, and I told a story about a pen. To Greg and a bunch of high schoolers. Partway through Greg started laughing; I shot him a look, and he responded with, “No, no… I’m laughing because I know exactly what you mean.” Then he proceeded to tell a story about a rock. And as I sat there listening, it slowly sunk in: I wasn’t crazy. I hadn’t been judged or made fun of. I had been accepted, affirmed. And this was only one tiny piece of my shell that I had offered up for examination.

Thanks to a handful of friends, I have made great strides in the last year. I’ve gotten less and less afraid of being myself when I’m with other people. But I’m fast approaching a cliff, and strides just won’t cut it anymore. I’m going to have to jump: to leave the safe, familiar ground, and (very literally) pray to God that He will protect me, give me courage, and guide me. I’m not big on hyperbole, and I know this all sounds rather dramatic, but trust me: when your mouth has been shut and your heart has been closed, it feels like a great leap to open it even a crack.

Which is why I "clicked" so well with this book: that's exactly the sort of fear that Macy (the main character) had to overcome. She had to realize how important it is to be the person that you were created to be instead of hiding behind a mask for fear of rejection. And with the help of some very colorful, likeable characters and some rather humorous situations, she succeeded. Definitely one worth reading.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 instructs us to keep the words of the Lord near to our hearts. Suggested methods? Tying them to our wrists, binding them to our foreheads, and writing them on our doorframes and frenceposts. Unfortunately, I don't have any fenceposts in my room so instead I forked over $1.99 for a food dish for my cat (after what... 6 or so years?) and decided to make it un-boring. This is the result:


I put John 6:35 "I am the bread of life..." along the food part, and wrote John 7:37-8 "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me..." in the water part (because you can see through the water!). I have my doubts about Trinity's capacity to understand what she'll be staring at every time she eats or drinks, but I think it's cool. One of those spur-of-the-moment things. Oh, and in case you didn't know, this is my cat. She's named Trinity.

Divine providence and a rusted-through muffler

Whoever thought that God would save me (and my grandma) from possible pain and/or death by breaking my car?

Here's the story: it's yesterday afternoon.  My engine sounds unusually loud, then later as I am heading to the ferry I hear a CRACK, sccccccrrrrraaaaappppppeeeeeeee.... My muffler has bit the dust.  It has completely detached from the exhaust pipe and is dragging on the ground.  I'm mildly annoyed, because I have to drive to Seattle Thursday afternoon to visit Ilsa and take Grandma to my cousin's graduation.  (I can't exactly make that trip with a muffler hanging off the back of my car.)

Rewind a few months: my rear wheels have started making a clunking sound when I drive, as if they are oblong or square instead of round.  I take the car in to Les Schwab but they say that the tire is separated a bit, and although it's annoying it's not dangerous at all.  I decide not to get it fixed because I'm low on funds.

Fast-forward to today.  I take my car in to get the muffler fixed, and ask them to look at the tires and let me know what exactly the problem is and how much it will be to fix it.  Later, the guy calls me back and says "We put on a new muffler, no problem... but here's the deal with the wheels.  The back right tire is separated, which in essence makes it more square than round.  As a result, in some places the tire has worn so much that the tread is completely gone.  I don't like to scare customers, but you should get that fixed as soon as you can... it could blow out at any time."  Good to know.  We ended up taking the car back to Les Schwab and getting a new (used) tire for 30-some-odd dollars, because the old ones were "partially under warranty" (whatever that means).

Now, nobody can know if my tire really would have blown out on the way to Seattle.  But I do know that I wouldn't have had it looked at for another month, probably, had my muffler not fallen off; and this world is too full of God for me to believe in coincidences.  He truly does provide for us.

twilight

I went on a run tonight at twilight, about 8:30 or 9-ish. It was good to get out in the cool air with a beautiful pink sunset behind me and have time to run, walk, and think. I've come to realize that when I'm at home in the house I can never just think - there's too many things to work on or get distracted by. Therefore, I run/walk.

Tonight, amongst other things, I got to thinking about "divine hiddenness," as we called it in my Philosophy of Religion class. Somteimes, when God seems to be playing hide-and-seek, I won't find him either because I'm focusing so much on obscure details that I miss the obvious or because I have become so wrapped up in my own life that I have failed to put effort into looking at all.

I also saw several deer, which sort of illustrated my thoughts perfectly. (Ever since high school, deer have been remiders to me of God's presence in my life... long story, no need to tell it here.) As I was passing by one field on my way home, I glanced out and could just barely make out the forms of a doe and her fawn. I stopped and watched for a second, before they bounded off into the trees. And here's how it connects: it was almost dark, and it would have been so easy to just pass by and not even look. But as soon as I looked, there they were. Just waiting to be watched and admired.

Alright, enough of Courtney's Deep Thoughts for now. It's 12:06 and I have a 6:30am date with my shower before a full day of work - and I want to wake up singing, not snoring.

It's amazing what you can find when sorting through old papers. For example, one might come across a folded up sheet of notebook paper with the following written on it:

• A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, just don't start anything."
• A man walked into a butcher's shop and said, "I'll bet you $50 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf." The butcher replied, "No, I can't take that bet... the steaks are too high."
• Did you hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
• Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was exceptional.
• A hydrogen atom turned to his friend and said, "I've lost an electron." "Are you sure?" his friend asked. The hydrogen atom replied, "Yes - I'm positive."

Now, I could have kept these to myself... but I decided to be generous. Now you, too, can amaze your friends with your wit and humor.

"Keep Smiling!"

A man came into the store today looking for a bottle brush for cleaning his hummingbird feeder. We didn't have any: I told him so, and wished him luck in finding one. As he walked out the door, he said, "Keep smiling!" It was an unusual thing to say, but I found it appropriate for the drizzly day.

And smiling I am. I was at work for 11 hours today, but I got a lot done and now I'm feeling ready to make a dent in the catastrophe that is my room.

Yesterday I went for a hike up to the top of Guemes Mountain. In all my 13 years of living on this island, I've never made that trek... crazy, I know. There are some old logging roads that lead right up there. It was a bit stormy, but it felt great to sit up there and think and pray with the wind in my face.

Alright- time to crank up The Afters, roll up my sleeves, and get down to business! I will restore order to this room...